i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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