just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
