I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
