its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
