Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
