I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
