I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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