My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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