i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
