I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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