Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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