dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
