the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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