were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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