When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I just want nice things and good sex
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
