if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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