If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
