I just cut my nipple shaving
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
