i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
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