Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
