i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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