Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
