I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize