so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
