Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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