Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
