just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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