She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
