Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
A+ Viking dick
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
