My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
