just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize