What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
