I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
