At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
