No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
