i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
