I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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