fuck your aforementioned shoe
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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