my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
