pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Randomize
