i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
