so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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