In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Randomize
