Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
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