highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
