Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Randomize
