I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
