you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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