No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
pop tarts are not kleenex
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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