I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i think my mom watched the whole time
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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