So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i think my mom watched the whole time
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
