Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
