you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
