My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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