It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
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