God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
